So it must be clear to you all that I have been neglecting my blog for a long time...again.. Well, I have had maybe the hardest time ever, because of my health and the ability to cope with life due to the illness. I am going through a difficult time with depression and I really mean it with the BIG D.
I had to put the studies on hold, only because my body could not cope with work load and I was leaving behind on every area. And the pain that I go through every day was the main reason and also the fact that my legs didn't carry me..I was literally f**ked up by the situation. And then the depression came with a big bang.
Firs I was trying to deny it. I was trying to convince myself that there was no such thing at all and if there was I could totally work it out by myself... Well, the fact is that thinking like that can carry you for some time but what it really does to you is that the depression will just get worse. For me it got that bad that I created some kind of a block or like the actors creates different character roles, I created one for me. I was trying to be something I really wasn't, taking more work load on my shoulders than I was actually able to handle. That meant that first everything went ok, I was able to work out things with the studies and my business and my private life (paying bills and doing normal stuff). But, little by little it started to crumble down and didn't even realize it myself. Only when I realized I was in big troubles, due to not being able to do and deliver the "home work" for studies, not being able to pay the bills of my business (insurances and others) that kept on coming and which I had not cancelled, when I got unfit to do the work and also when I was not able to cope with normal life. I really felt that I wanted to die, like I had no reason to be here and that I was nothing. That is when I got scared because I knew the next step would be starting to figure out how to end my life. That is when I called to health care and said I needed help and luckily I got an appointment to see a doctor and we started to plan regular meetings and other activities that would support my mental rehabilitation.
Now I know, there might be someone who are thinking that it isn't that easy.. and you are kinda right. The first time it happened to me, I didn't ask help because I was so ashamed of myself and the thoughts I was going through, and I ended up trying to take my life. But, I was lucky and I am still here.
I wanted to tell you this just to say, that I really know what people with depression might go through. To everyone the depression is one of a kind and unique even though the illness has the same name and meaning but the symptoms are different to every person and how they experience them are just so deep and awful as they experience them. And when you have depression it doesn't mean that it will always end up to the point where the person is thinking about how they can end up their lives. Sometimes you recover from it easier but sometimes it hits hard.
What I have now learned is that I acknowledge the feeling inside and what it means when I am getting closer to the point of wanting to die. And I have to force myself to ask help because I know where it will lead if I will not do so. There for, my advice if I should even say it to be an advice but anyway...I'm just saying that talk to your closest ones about depression and that you have one OR that you have had depression before. And also be open about how bad it can go and about the symptoms that you feel and about how you start to act when you are going through the phase of getting a depression. That way you can make sure that you have a safety net of people who/ what you can use when your world starts to crumble down.
No one should go through depression by them self even that the emotions involved are the ones everyone has to deal personally.
Make sure you have a number where to call when you need help from the health care because most likely you are not gonna have the strenght to find that number from somewhere when you are feeling the worst. For me maybe the most important thing or things have been to learn to acknowledge the first symptoms and feelings before and when things are getting worse.
Being open about depression and not talking about it less than it really is teaches people to realize what depression means, what it is and how you can cope with it and rehabilitate from it. I mean, people got to tell the harsh truth and how it is for you, how it makes you feel about everything.
Depression does not define who you are, you define what it mean for you. Depression is personal and unique situation for everyone who is going trough it.
Now, I am at the point when I am not thinking about ending my life but I am still feeling on "regular basis" that I have no reason in this life or maybe better way is to say that I haven't still quite figured out what it is. As you can read, it is quite hard to tell how I feel because sometimes I just have no words for the feeling. It's like, I'm not sure how I feel..and it is part of the illness, but it is ok to feel so.
I got to this point by fighting back to the shitty feelings and kinda fighting back with myself too. Depression means that I have to focus all the strenght I can find inside myself to fight against the emptiness inside me. It also means I need people around me that are able and willing to help and support me. And if you are now thinking that you have no one like this, you gotta be open about your situation and you will be surprised to find out that there are people that want to help you! You just have to be willing to let them do that.
Do not try to cope all by yourself, it will destroy you at the point where you feel alone and helpless, ashamed and disappointed, angry and frustrated. Those are the feelings I have gone through now when I have depression and I even have been at the point when I feel like I have no feelings at all...like nothing matters. BUT even then, if I have started to think about how I feel deep inside, I have started to find some real feelings that the depression has silenced.
I have now gone to see a doctor and a psychologist to talk about my depression and now we decided that I will start to go to some group meetings where I can start to learn how to be with other people and learn communicate with them and so on.
The hardest thing for me, on this journey, has been the fact of allowing my self to feel depressed and not feeling ashamed about it and that it is ok to feel these feelings of helplessness, acknowledge that I don't always have to be the one who is holding up all the others or coping with all the workload I have.
We human seem to have this general feeling that we always have to be strong, no matter what and showing your weak points is a big tabu. It should not be like this. The modern world is just too much and we human are a bit fools not realizing that we are not robots. By doing every day more and more, faster and faster we are just digging the hole to fall into for ourselves. We should learn to stop and listen to ourselves and our inner voice or inner feelings and be hones to ourselves about our abilities.
Btw it is now 03:07 am when I am writing this. I actually woke up at 01:30 am and I felt that I had to write this now, right now and not in the morning. I hope, I will be able to write here more and daily..but at this point I can not and I will not make that promise, because I allow myself to recuperate day by day and not taking any more pressure than I already have. I am allowing myself to be as I am and who I am and how I feel. I am learning to know who I am and what makes me happy and content. I want to start loving myself again and love life again and I also want to find the purpose I have in this world.
Oh yeah, this I still have to share... I saw my "little brother" and his family. He and his wifey have this adorable little boy and got to spent some time with him. I was able to put him to sleep by singing a song and just being there for him, while his mummy and daddy spent some quality time together. I was in heaven, that was my "therapy". I got to think why I felt so good and I got to the conclusion that I felt that I had a purpose and I was able to help. Also, as I have felt for many years, that I'd wish to become a mum, spending some quality time with this little guy, eased the pain that I feel of not having a baby of my own.. I'm sure you understand what I mean.. I love him and I want to be the best aunt he can have. So you see, I have even one more purpose now to stay in this world and that gives me hope and happiness.
It is now 03:55 am and now I will go back to sleep, feeling content about my self and maybe a bit proud too to be able to deliver these feelings and thoughts to you all. Love yourself...
xoxo Suz
